When I set out to hire a nanny, I thought my main worry would be finding the right person to make the The Princess feel comfortable.
Turns out that it's also about finding a nanny who makes me feel comfortable. A nanny who doesn't make an already slightly neurotic mom feel she ought to be even more so. A nanny who doesn't make a mother feel she really doesn't have things under control, just at a time when she really needs to hear she does. A nanny who doesn't imply the schedule's wrong, the house is too messy and the baby is too fussy.
I'm talking about a nanny who doesn't give me a sense of in-nan-dequacy.
Two on-paper-perfect candidates over the past week asked me some perfectly legitimate questions:
Does The Princess eat solids yet? No, we're behind.
What is your nap schedule? Um, we haven't quite been able to figure that out yet.
Do you have a housekeeper? You're looking at her.
Each answer sounded progressively lamer and my voice got smaller. Then I said, "I'm sorry." I woke around 4 am thinking that I ought to get up and clean the bathroom as well as awaken The Princess so she could try some cereal. Then I worried I should really hire one of the candidates no matter how uncomfortable I felt since their experience was so solid. Then I felt guilty that I was feeling sorry for myself over a problem most people aren't even fortunate enough to have.
Somehow, I don't think this is how it's supposed to work
The trouble is, I'm not sure how it should. I want our nanny to be an expert on all things baby, and that means she's going to know more than me. I want our nanny to be neat and clean, and that means she's going to want a neat and clean work environment. And even though I'm not entirely comfortable with the concept of being "the boss" to someone who ideally will become like family, I still want to retain some kind authority. And if I want her to be honest with me, I have to quit being overly sensitive.
It's a lot to ask. From both of us.
So I'm going to do what has worked best for me since the day I saw the blue line: I'm reverting to instinct. I'm going with the gut and trusting myself: that yes, I am a good mother, and yes, if I'm uncomfortable with someone, the match just isn't right no matter what the resume says.
And maybe that decision produced a little good karma of its own. Because today, I think I met my new nanny. My heart liked her and so did my head. And best of all, so did The Princess.
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